Feeling like a failure and a success

As moms, or should I say parents because I am sure some dads feel this way, do you ever have days where you feel like both a failure and success. I feel like that most days and I wonder why I feel this way. Is it because of the pressure we feel from society to be a certain type of person/parent? Is it just our own pressure we put on ourselves, or maybe a combination of both of those things?

So no matter why I feel this way, I need to work through it because if I don't, if I continue to have these conflicting emotions, I will struggle. I need to work through these emotions to be a good parent and wife and person. This is where my struggle is, yes I know I used struggle too many times, I said this is where I struggle with my struggle. (LOL It's funny to me for some reason.) Anyway, let me get to a point... Today I had all these conflicting emotions, about who I was failing and where in my life I was failing and where I was a successful in my life. (Sidenote: I feed on being successful, I need that success and the praise that comes with being a success.) I was driving from dropping one kid off at my friends and rushing to get to my 8 year old's school to help with a his reading group and I just started praying.

I prayed for what I needed personally instead of my normal prayer of thankfulness or praying for someone else's need. I told God what I needed but not the physical things I think I may need. I prayed for guidance with our finances, how I feel like I need to go back to work because I hate worrying about money, I prayed to give me patience with my children, I prayed to teach me to control my anger, I prayed for my marriage because I feel like we are in a slump right now. And I prayed that even though I feel I am missing that connection to Him right now, that He would return that connection. I told Him that I knew the lost connection was my fault and that if I did the work that connection would be there. However, I also prayed that even without that connection I knew He was there with me, that I know His love for me in unfailing and absolute. I have faith in that and in Him. I will never lose that faith that He is true and loves me more than anything. That He sent His son as a sacrifice for us. And though I did not pray this part, I am so thankful for that faith!

So after I prayed, I went to my sons school and I practiced with the reading groups and I loved it. Then I went and got my other son from my friends house and drove home, all with the peace in knowing that God's got all my problems, all my failures and successes, and He's got me and that with that peace I am able to keep going despite my failures and successes. I am able to move on past my failures and successes and learn from those and carry on each day with my God by my side.

Feeding My Child to the Wolves

           

           Tomorrow is the day I’ve been dreading for the past six weeks, sending my first born off to public school. I feel as if I am feeding him to the wolves. I know I'm not and I know he will be fine and thrive through this new experience. He has been attending a Christian school for the past few years. This year we couldn’t afford it, especially with his little brother starting kindergarten next year, and his other little brother starting two years after that. My husband and I both feel starting our oldest in public school this year is the right decision and it is following what God wants for our family. Nevertheless, my heart hurts.
            I loved his previous school, I loved the Christian values he learned from there, I loved that he was learning about our heavenly father daily, I loved that my son was prayed for daily not just by me but by his teachers, I also loved how the school loved on my son. How he was part of their family!
            So while I know he will be ok at his new school and I truly feel we are following God’s path for our family, my heart aches that he will be exposed to so many more things, both good and bad, than he would have been at his previous school. And yes I know all the same things that happen at a public school can happen at a Christian school, however the population is smaller, the classes are smaller, and the risk is a bit smaller. Maybe these thoughts aren't factual but that is how my heart feels.

            So tomorrow, I will be a little depressed, because I feel like I am feeding my child to the wolves. The wolves that will burst our little protective bubble that we have created for ourselves and our family the past few years. Whether that bubble is actually there or in my imagination is irrelevant. I have kept my precious little boy as close to my heart in my protective arms for a long time, not willing to share him anymore than I have to protect his sensitive little heart (and mine too, if I’m being honest.)
            On the other hand, my brain is extremely excited for him to start in this new direction. I've heard nothing but amazing things about his new school and when we met his teacher she seemed fantastic. I also have nothing against public schools; the ones around us are great. It just hasn't been the route we have chosen in the past. I know we may have been a little too protective and he will need to learn how to cope with the outside world and find his own way, while hopefully following God. I know this is going to be great for him, but still my heart hurts.
            So, I'm not sure where this new path will take us. I don't know if we will continue with public school or turn back to private school. What I am sure of is that while tomorrow will be hard for me, I will be strong and it will be like all his previous first days of school. I will hug him and kiss him and pray for him and encourage him and count the hours until I have him in my arms again. And I will try to not think about the wolves.