As moms, or should I say parents because I am sure some dads feel this way, do you ever have days where you feel like both a failure and success. I feel like that most days and I wonder why I feel this way. Is it because of the pressure we feel from society to be a certain type of person/parent? Is it just our own pressure we put on ourselves, or maybe a combination of both of those things?
So no matter why I feel this way, I need to work through it because if I don't, if I continue to have these conflicting emotions, I will struggle. I need to work through these emotions to be a good parent and wife and person. This is where my struggle is, yes I know I used struggle too many times, I said this is where I struggle with my struggle. (LOL It's funny to me for some reason.) Anyway, let me get to a point... Today I had all these conflicting emotions, about who I was failing and where in my life I was failing and where I was a successful in my life. (Sidenote: I feed on being successful, I need that success and the praise that comes with being a success.) I was driving from dropping one kid off at my friends and rushing to get to my 8 year old's school to help with a his reading group and I just started praying.
I prayed for what I needed personally instead of my normal prayer of thankfulness or praying for someone else's need. I told God what I needed but not the physical things I think I may need. I prayed for guidance with our finances, how I feel like I need to go back to work because I hate worrying about money, I prayed to give me patience with my children, I prayed to teach me to control my anger, I prayed for my marriage because I feel like we are in a slump right now. And I prayed that even though I feel I am missing that connection to Him right now, that He would return that connection. I told Him that I knew the lost connection was my fault and that if I did the work that connection would be there. However, I also prayed that even without that connection I knew He was there with me, that I know His love for me in unfailing and absolute. I have faith in that and in Him. I will never lose that faith that He is true and loves me more than anything. That He sent His son as a sacrifice for us. And though I did not pray this part, I am so thankful for that faith!
So after I prayed, I went to my sons school and I practiced with the reading groups and I loved it. Then I went and got my other son from my friends house and drove home, all with the peace in knowing that God's got all my problems, all my failures and successes, and He's got me and that with that peace I am able to keep going despite my failures and successes. I am able to move on past my failures and successes and learn from those and carry on each day with my God by my side.